Friday, July 22, 2011

Live From Geek Mecca: San Diego Comic Con Day 1

Playwright Leonard Xavier Schwartz blogs from Comic Con San Diego International.
Playwright Leonard Xavier Roberts Schwartz shares his unabashed joys and annoyances with a four day travel blog covering his experience at San Diego Comic Con 2011, the Geek Mecca for the biggest comics, video games, movies, and television shows we have to look forward to over the next year or so.  This is his travel log (on one of the hottest weeks on record) for day one, Thursday.  Look for more of Lenny’s rants and reflections as he shares his Comic Con experience with us over the next few days on Dreaming Genius. 

This year the San Diego Comic Con is a hot fucking mess. How much of a hot mess do you ask? It’s like that girl at prom who dresses up, dances the entire evening, has a baby in the garbage can outside and then resumes to party for the rest of the evening. It is pretty, nasty, and nobody can stop talking about it.

I left yesterday morning (Wednesday) from the pimple on the asshole of airline travel...that's right Rhode Islanders TF GREEN MOTHERFUCKING AIRPORT (Rhode Island)!!! Of course we had problems but that's a story for another time.

With me was my wife Sara and my 21 month old daughter Callie. Those of you who warned me that it was tough to travel with a lil one, well...Callie was a dream. She fell asleep most of the flight and I love having her around. She is something like and EZ PASS (the ones you get at Disneyworld) as you can get through lines quicker with her around. Hell, I may have to have another one or adopt when Callie gets too old. Seriously though, she is wonderful to have around.
I took less Dramamine this year which also meant my pee did not turn a different hue. Last year it was Kool Aid Grape flavored color. This Year it only burned for an hour when we landed. Hey, you kept reading this. You sick twisted fuck.

We had dinner with Matt and Maryssa on Weds, two of our friends and then got ready for the convention.

The hot mess Convention.

Those of you wanting to go to the convention, well, it’s pretty impossible to get tickets. Why is that? Because the people at Comic Con are totally unequipped to handle the demand for the convention. They are like an 18 year old boy trying to put the condom on for the first time but it keeps ending up on the wall.

And there is no system in place that works. Literally, to buy NEXT year’s badges you pretty much have to miss THIS year’s convention. And that's just plain STUPID.

They have made it stressful for a lot of people here who have tickets and even for those who don’t. You didn’t come here to Comic Con to WORK. But that's what the majority of people here feel like they HAVE to do. Work to enjoy a little something (sort of like what their daily lives are like right?)

This is supposed to be a place that those who don’t belong come to be part of a community.

Nowadays Comic Con makes you feel like you were invited to the coolest concert ever...and you'll never get tickets to it.

But you can also blame the ticket shortage on one NEW group that is starting to appear all over Comic Con.

A new, joyless brand of teenager. Oh yes.

See, a few years back a couple of people came to Comic Con, had sex and reproduced. Some had to reproduce asexually as that was the only option available. And they had spawn. And that spawn grew up. And that is where my new term comes in, the one I invented for this new breed of kid.

I call them "TWEEKS."

Oh you've seen them, teenage geeks, these little smartasses going around wearing the IPAD 5 where their dicks used to be. The kind of fuckers who think they are smarter than you because they "KNOW COMIC LORE" and you don’t because you are older? THEY KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS AND COMICS AND GAMING AND DON'T ARGUE WITH THEM BECAUSE THEY MIGHT VERY WELL TWEEK THE FUCK OUT???

Fucking Tweeks.

When I was younger I was bullied by this kid. I hated it. today I was thinking about calling up my bully, offering him a 100 bucks to crawl out of the crack house he is living in, and have him come down to San Diego to beat on a few Tweeks.

My bully would love it too. At least so he can stop turning tricks for seniors for the day.

So let’s talk Celebrities!!!

First thing in the morning I met David Lloyd artist of V For Vendetta...great guy. David smells a little bad but I am okay with it as we take a picture and part ways. I also talked with Kevin Eastman, creator of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Nate Powell (the Eisner winning Best Graphic Novel of 2009 Swallow Me Whole) Jeff Levine (comic artist), Matt Kindt (3 Story), and Jeffrey Brown (comic artist)...great guys all! Google them and pick up a book.

We decide to go to the Game of Thrones panel...and so did 20,000 other people. Pretty nuts.

We did see David Benioff (Thrones showrunner) on stage during the TV Guide Fan Favorite’s panel talking with Kevin Williamson (Vampire Diaries). Benioff was funny and comfortable while Williamson was anything but. He either ate really bad Mexican or was worried that the dead hooker in his hotel room was starting to smell. Probably the latter. Hah! Showrunners.

I saw Judah Friedlander from 30 Rock. He shook my hand as did Martin Starr (look him up). They are both dirty dirty men. Judah must use a lot of makeup before going on TV because man...there were flies around his beard. After shaking his hand, my hand reeked like a bag of assholes. Afterwards,  I scrubbed for a while in the men's room while a guy dressed as Captain America looked on. Sick freak.

And then Sarah Michelle Gellar came out. She was there for the show Ringer. And now you are all going to hate me for saying this.

Watching the footage for Ringer, I said “wow” she made a really good Buffy.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer was fun, well written, and just enjoyable. Ringer is deadly deadly serious. Sarah Michelle Gellar and Nestor Carbonell (Richard Alpert from Lost) walk around looking like they both have a urinary tract infection...that Freddie Prinze Jr. gave them. And yes, I mean on and off the screen. One season, that's all I give it.

A better title for Ringer might have been FLOATER. Because it looks like shit.

And I looked close. Nestor Carbonell has GOT to be wearing eyeliner!

After that, the TV Guide Favorites panel continued when Matt Smith came out for Dr. Who who the crowd (and Callie) loved. He knew the entire history of Dr. Who and was very well versed and impressive. He is not my favorite Who but he is awesome as a person and awesome live. Same goes for Jorge Garcia (Hurley from Lost) for Alcatraz (which looks okay!) who is a sweet guy the audience loves. I enjoyed Zachary Levi (Chuck) as he talked about the final season of Chuck, and Lafayette from True Blood showed up when Joe Mangiello (Alcide from True Blood) didn’t (he may have been with Kevin Williamson burying the hooker so I forgive him).


You couldn’t pay me to go to that panel, unless Robert Pattinson made out with Taylor Lautner and they went to third with each other on stage...then maybe I would pay YOU to see the looks on all of the girls faces. Girls at the panel are screaming for Robert. He won’t go out with you. He won’t ever kiss you. He knows you've been camped out for four days and how you smell earthy. And you'll never be able to afford enough cocaine to make him happy.

And that is the romantic tale of how Kristen Stewart nabbed him and became his beard.

We saw the Dexter panel which was okay. Michael C Hall was there trying to contain his excitement, as was Mos Def and Colin Hanks...apparently Mos Def is the bad guy in this one...and we again wish it was season four again. Season 5 was ok...and season six looks kind of lackluster again. The Shameless crew of William H Macy and Emmy Rossum were there for no reason anyone could figure out, and then Claire Danes new show Homeland was there...but we left halfway through because listening to Claire Danes makes me want to leave as fast as possible in any situation.

And then we walked around the convention. Sara went to look at some stuff which left Callie and I wandering around. And people love her. Stan Sakai, creator of Usagi Yojimbo LOVED her and he and I talked about kids. Lovely man. I met a few more creators and then Callie made a friend…a really cool friend.

Joyce Brabner came over and started to talk to Callie. If you don’t know who Joyce Brabner is, that's okay. If you’ve ever seen the film American Splendor you would know that she is Harvey Pekar's wife (read a book by Harvey Pekar, he's brilliant). She loves Callie and we spend 15 minutes talking and taking pictures. I met Harvey some years back and he was amazing. It was really nice.

I just met up with Sara when Callie hit the bag I was carrying. It fell on this nice girl sitting down. I talked with her as she helped me pick things up. She seemed familiar but she was very nice, talking about kids, etc. The folks at the booth she was hosting were very nice people. They all said a few things to me and we laughed and I had no idea who they were. They were about to start a signing so I thanked the girl for picking up the stuff and stepped back. And then I saw the sign.

The girl was Felicia Day (Buffy). Felicia Day from Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog. And the rest of the group was the cast from The Guild.

All very nice people.

Finally we saw Lou Ferrigno. I met Lou  5 years back in Chicago...he charged 20 bucks for a picture...a little steep but what the hell right? Now? Lou charges forty bucks a picture. FORTY BUCKS A PICTURE! For that amount Lou better be giving me a handjob and I better be turning green from head to toe afterwards...Incredible HULK green and nothing less! Here is a list of other things I would give Lou Ferrigno 40 dollars for:

1. If he had sex with a midget while they were both dressed as clowns
2. If he’d beat up a tweek for me.
3. If he hand fed me french fries from In and Out Burger…the secret menu animal fries

Or just spooning and a reacharound Lou.  You could probably charge fifty with that combo.

With that, it was time to leave.

As I left this happy hot mess of a Convention center, I thought about a lot of things. I thought about next hard it'll be to get a ticket. I thought about the system they had in place and how it got damaged and what we could possibly do to fix it (sort of like our economy). I thought about the people who were there, how they felt about it all.

But mostly, I thought about the tweeks. These smart, fast little fuckers, who replaced their nuts with broadband and put 4G in their stankholes. They are faster, more lethal than you can imagine. And they know it. However, they don’t impress me. Not with all the tech they know. Not with all the geek knowledge they claim as their birthright. So I am throwing down the gauntlet tweeks. You want to impress me? You want to prove something to me? Here's how you do it:

Get laid.

And an electrical socket doesn’t count.

See you tomorrow!


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