Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Alternative UK Citizenship Test

On the Guardian website today there is a sample test taken from David Cameron's newly updated 'Life in the UK' citizenship test. The test must be taken and passed by anyone seeking indefinite leave to remain in the UK, or to get a British passport. As someone born in Wales to an English mother and Scottish father, I'd say I qualify overwhelmingly as 'British', yet I failed to meet the 75% score needed to pass, answering only 12 of 24 questions correctly. Not to worry though. We've put together this alternative test. By Steven Maclean.

1. St. George is the patron saint of England, but was he

A) A racist from Luton
B) The person who founded England
C) The great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather of the Queen
D) A Palestinian soldier

2. To be an MP in the UK you will most likely need to

A) Have an IQ of 140 or more
B) Be from a privileged background
C) Have a profound desire for equality for all
D) Have never committed any kind of fraud

3. Which of these people is so integral to British politics they enter No. 10 through the back door?

A) Simon Cowell
B) Richard Branson
C) Rupert Murdoch
D) Lord Sugar

4. Which of these countries will the UK illegally invade next?

A) Iran
B) Syria
C) Pakistan
D) Yemen

5. The United Kingdom gained most of its wealth through

A) Trade and commerce
B) Charitable donations 
C) Economic stability
D) Imperialism: exploitation and the theft of other countries' resources

6. Which of these countries does the UK NOT supply arms to?

A) Libya
B) Israel
C) Iran
D) Saudi Arabia

7. As defence secretary, one of Dr. Liam Fox's main duties is to

A) Ensure we don't invade sovereign nations, amplifying the threat from terrorists
B) Take his mates on holiday
C) Make sure people who have served in the armed forced are well cared for by society after leaving
D) Provide servicemen and women with the equipment they need in battle

8. Who owns the Bank of England?

A) The Queen
B) You
C) The Government
D) We are not allowed to know

9. Who owns the most land in the UK?

A) The Duke of Buccleuch and Queensbury
B) The Ministry of Defence
C) The Church of England
D) The Forestry Commision

10. How much tax was avoided by big business in the UK last year?

A) Zero. They have to pay their taxes, stupid.
B) 16 billion pounds
C) Just a penny here and there
D) What does it matter, mind your own business

11. Which answer is false. The Conservative party...

A) Are funded by millionaires
B) Is determined to rewind politics thirty years
C) Are the party of the NHS
D) Haven't had an electoral mandate since 1992

12. Since the Tories came back in to power, which of these have not been on the political agenda?

A) Abortion
B) The abolition of Human Rights
C) Reinstating capital punishment
D) The 'living wage'

13. Deputy Prime minister Nick Clegg did community service for committing which crime?

A) Arson
B) Telling big porkey pies
C) Being in possession of two faces at the same time
D) Impersonating a decent human being

14. The Tory run council of Westminster want to make it illegal to

A) Tell the truth
B) Tell lies
C) Feed homeless people
D) Be homeless

15. Theresa May is

A) Alarmingly, the Home Secretary
B) A distant relation of Erwin Schr繹dinger
C) A big fan of Human Rights
D) Secretly the Cat Bin Lady

Failure to score at least 10 correct questions out of 15 will result in you being deported. Unless you are white. Or rich. Failure to be white or rich might result in us deporting you regardless of your score.

Answers: 1) D (ironic we don't even recognise Palestine as a country, 2) B, 3) C, but it could well apply to all of them, 4) Anyone's guess, all correct, 5) D, 6) Trick question, we supply them all, 7) B apparently, 8) D, 9) A, 10) B, 11) C, 12) D, 13) A, 14) C, 15) A

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